Monday, January 9, 2012

Reflections


Well I am easing my way back into the blogging world.  For those of you who know me, you know I recently lost my mom to brain cancer on December 23rd.  A misconception I had about terminal illnesses and deaths that were expected was that it would be easier to deal with knowing that it was coming.  Well I am here to tell you that it is NOT any easier because for those months, days, hours leading up to it you really can't grasp the reality of it.  It has been a rough few months but these last couple of weeks without her have by far been the hardest.  To be honest, the past 18 months have been rough but there was a pretty long stretch there in the middle where things seemed to be almost back to normal.  We were able to spend some real quality time together after her diagnosis back in June 2010, unfortunately any amount of time seems insignificantly too short right now.  The thing I am most grateful for is that she was there when Eli was born and got to spend 6 months with him.  I do not know how I would have made it through the labor without her…she stayed by my side throughout the night without any sleep, rubbing my shoulders, getting me drinks of water and then emphatically telling me “NOT TO PUSH” when I was begging that I was ready but the doctors were telling me to wait.  She did all of this while on chemo and did not complain a single bit…but that is how she was…everyone else came first. 
I will never forget lying in the bed at the hospital after Eli was born with her in the chair next to me holding Eli as he slept on his first day of life.  I remember jokingly telling her to get it all in now because Debbie (my mother in law) would be there shortly and she may never get to hold the baby again (those that know my mother in law, know how excited she was and still is to get her hands on Eli).  My mother just sat there and slowly rocked Eli staring upon his sweet little face and began to cry as she told him that she may only get to hold him for a short amount of time…my joking comment was all too real to her. 
The thing about my mother is that those sad moments were very rare…even when the future was very grim.  She didn’t want us to sit around and be sad all the time; she wanted life to continue and not to be focused around her being sick.  This was very apparent when my mother was told that the tumor was growing again back in April of 2011; the weekend before my baby shower at her house.  She was devastated when she found out and the next day she made a phone call to me that I will never forget.  She was positive she would not live 2 more months (she ended up making it 8 more months) and she cried on the phone with me as she told me she didn’t think she would make it to Stacey’s wedding and that she was so grateful to have spent 10 wonderful years with Chase but that she was very worried about how difficult this was going to be on him.  I reassured her that this was the reason that God put Chase in our lives with Stacey and me so much older…so we could help take care of him after she was gone.  We talked on the phone for almost an hour and at the end of the conversation she said “Ok, well we aren’t going to talk about this again and we are going to spend this weekend at your baby shower as if nothing were wrong.  This baby shower is about you and I want everyone to have a good time.”  I halfheartedly agreed and the moment I got home shared an extra long hug with her but never spoke of it again.  That weekend will always be etched into my memory as a great weekend.
So now that she is gone, there are times when I feel like I will always be sad.  Every object around me reminds me of something about her and at any given moment I can burst into tears. There is this huge disconnect for me.  In my mind I picture her in perfect health, beauty and youth and in reality she is gone.  What I try to remember though, is that my mother wanted life to go on.  She did not want us to sit around and be sad the weekend of my baby shower and she does not want us to sit around and be sad now.  She would want us to come together and support each other as a family and to keep moving forward.  I know that she is in heaven looking down on us, guiding us in every step that we take.  I am still struggling to not be sad when I think of her but it helps to think of how she handled everything.  She would not want us to miss what is going on around us now because we were too caught up thinking about how it used to be. 
 And on that note, here are some pictures from Eli’s first Christmas… 


9 comments:

  1. Crystal,

    I bet you know what I'm doing right now...yes crying! Your post is so beautifully written as you helped create the true picture of Ginger and her amazing outlook. I have also felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and seems hard to shake. You and Stacey have an amazing relationship with your mom and you will continue to find her in many little moments of your day - what a beautiful gift! You are an amazing mother yourself and Eli will know his Grandma or Nanna Ginger through you:) I think of you guys often and hold you in my heart! Love you!

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  2. Crystal, what a beautiful story about your Mom. I have thought so much about you and your family. You will always see your Mom and think about her daily. I still do after 3 1/2 years. When you are as fortunate to have a wonderful, strong Mom as we were, there will be a day when you are honored to think for the first time - I have become my Mother. There's no greater honor than to feel that. Even though I never knew your Mom, I heard so many wonderful things about her from Debbie. Deb's heart was broken for both you and your Mom. She was amazed by your Mom's strength and determination. She cherished those times when she was able to spend time with your Mom. Please know that we love you and are keeping you in our prayers. You are a wonderful mother too! I'm sure your Mom is looking down and smiling at the wonderful life you have made. Love you bunches! Connie

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  3. Make that 3 for crying. Beautifully written Crystal.

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  4. How wonderful that you can express yourself so beautifully in writing. I posted the memorial video on my Facebook page for my church friends and Cairo friends who have prayed so much for your family.

    Sunday a young Facebook friend came up to me with tears in her eyes and told me that she had viewed the video and just wanted to tell me that it was easy to see what a wonderful person my niece was and how she had a zest for life and her family.

    She also shared that she had been reading about traits we have that are inherited and environmental and she said she was sure that Ginger's daughters would have those same nurturing traits as their mother and they may be even stronger with their children. I believe that is so as I already see so much of your mom in you girls. I just wanted you to know that total strangers seeing the video are blessed by your mom's nurturing love of family.

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  5. You are so right Crystal, nothing can prepare us for the loss of our Mothers. She did everything that was asked of her to be able to stay with her family and she did it with courage & dignity. She tried so hard to keep things normal for all of you and for herself. There is so much of her in each of you three kids. She did not wait until she was sick to make moments count with you all, she did it from day 1 of each of your lives. She will forever live in all of our hearts.

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  6. Beautiful Crystal. You speak truth beautifully. You also spoke beautifully for your mom when she needed you and I will always treasure getting to witness you being such a blessing to her just as I loved stopping by the house when you were learning to talk yourself and she would speak for you....full circle. Know I love you and continue to wrap you all in prayer.

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  7. Love your post! Am trying to type through tears!
    Even though I lived so far away from Ginger, and rarely got to see her, I miss her terribly. I ache for you, Steve, Stacey and Chase. I know you are missing her so much. And, I'm so sorry.

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    1. Please remember to sign your name so I can see who comments! Thanks for all the responses!

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  8. Crystal,
    Excellent commentary on your mother!I am glad you had that conversation with her.There were so many things I wanted to tell her when I would speak with her on the phone,and most times I would hang up without having a chance to say them.But the one thing I always reminded her of was that I loved her and she always responded in kind,even as her condition advanced.
    I look back and cherish all the time spent in those visits over the years when your folks would come back to Missouri.The lesson I take from your mother's passing is never take anything for granted....I always thought Ginger would be here long after I was gone.
    Though we had our ups and downs together growing up,your mother was there when I needed a hand with something,and I tried to be there for her as well.These memories of time spent together are precious,and as long as we have them a little bit of Ginger lives on in each of us.



    Randy

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